Ever feel like a failure?
Does anyone else hate being compared to other people? In this day in age, everything is determined by where you stand among your peers.
It sucks. Really, it does.
I mean, really, what determines success and failure? Who in this world determines it, and does it really matter in the long run?
Two thousand years ago, the kings and nobility spent so much time, effort, and money trying to secure their place in history. All men and women want to be known and celebrated.
Examples? Gladly! Julius Ceaser. William the Conqueror. Shi Huang Ti. Alexander the Great. Cleopatra. Herod.
Can I quote Ed Harris? "Man only has one lifetime, but history can remember you forever."
Some of the things they did to ensure their remembrance were ridiculous. We laugh at them, sometimes, now. In our modern, technological world.
“Need to be remembered, bullshit,” they scoff now, “They’re dead.”
When it comes down to it… Does it really matter what we do here on earth?
All of humanity has this need to compare and be compared, in order to stand out and be recognized. A chance to do something great, of value and worth.
Saying that I don’t need or want to stand out would only prove the point, unfortunately.
So what’s my point?
I’m so sick of being compared to people. Being compared to friends and family, being told just what you aren’t able to do and oh, how someone else can do it – and so much better than you ever could… Well, thanks for being so encouraging.
I’ve only lived seventeen short years, but these past couple years seem to have been the worst. Friends, family, siblings, friends’ parents — in short: everyone. They compare you to whoever is standing next to you.
* Some of the following examples are a little exaggerated.
“What did you get on the physics SAT2?”
“Jane Doe is taking three AP classes, coaches Little League softball, and still has time to serve as editor of the school paper. Why can’t you be more like that?”
“He got into MIT. I heard you got rejected from Irvine.”
“That’s what you got on your SAT1? You should have taken an SAT study course like I did. What’s that? Oh, you did take one? Maybe you should take it again?”
“You’re not driving yet? How come? Everyone else is.”
Hello, Dumbo. We’re all different people. We run at different paces. Some people aren’t gifted in ten thousand different academic subjects like Suzy-across-the-street. Maybe I am only strong in one area, and what I consider strong, others consider just average.
We’re all different, so what is the point of comparing a box to a ball? Or a heart to a star, eh? How about an elephant to a giraffe? Or, let’s go extreme: a mouse and a rat. They’re both rodents, small, and with long, skinny tails. They sound pretty alike. Bet they both like cheese too.
I hate to break it to you, but rats aren’t supposed to eat cheese. Sorry, Remi...
I’m tired of trying to stand out and be different. Is it so hard to accept that I’ll never be who you want me to be, no matter how much you want me to be? Nor will I ever be like Jane Doe or Joe Blow or Billy-down-the-block. I have my own problems, my own strengths and weaknesses, and my own struggles.
There are so many things that I can’t do in this world. I am quite aware, thank you, that I’m not Superwoman and no, I don’t look like Megan Fox, and last time I checked my IQ, I certainly don’t have the mind of Einstein.
Not only that, but I am so aware what my faults are. Yes, I know I’m lazy and grumpy and selfish and unmotivated and too prideful for my own good. No one is more aware of all those faults than I am. Rub it in, will ya?
I’m trying, I truly am. Do you know how hard it is to try to fix something when someone is constantly hovering over your shoulder yelling that you still haven’t fixed it yet?
The West wasn’t won in a day. The Roman Empire literally took centuries to build. It took years to finish the Great Pyramid and the Great Wall of China. The Declaration of Independence was rewritten numerous times before we knew the famous words, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, and all men are created equal…”.
I’m slow by nature, and I’m only human. I’m not trying to use it as an excuse, but it
is a valid reason.
I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I see what everyone else can do and then I look at myself.
Compared to them… What is left for me, anyways? Is there even any point in me applying myself and studying my butt off if my best is compared to everyone else’s best (which totally and completely surpasses my own by a few bazillion points)?
I guess that’s what bothers me the most. I feel like this, so in my head, I think that it’s alright to slack off. It’s that “
If I won’t succeed, then why even try?” mentality, I think.
I don’t know, it’s not even that I like to wallow around in self pity, looking for affirmation from people, or wallow in self pity at all. I tend to rant (such as what you are reading now), lock myself in my room, and write.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I was thinking back over this past year, and I realized that I accomplished almost nothing. It was the most unproductive year I’ve ever had. Yes, there was Godspell and the yearbook and I built so many amazing relationships this year…
But have I even changed as a person, at all for the better? I know that I’m not the same person that I was a year ago. But have I grown?
Academically, I really don’t have anything to be proud of. It makes me wonder if I am actually learning anything; is my brain even absorbing any new information? Will it retain anything at all, three or four years from now?
I went to a psychologist for the better part of this school year because she said I had an adjustment disorder. But I don’t even know if there was a visible change. Is it three hundred dollars a month gone down the drain for nothing? I feel like there are two sides of me. One side is the side everyone sees, and the other side is hiding in the back of my brain, that little maggoty side in my brain.
It’s times like this when I wish I had a time machine or could see into the future. If I continue on like this, what will I be looking at in twenty years?
I’m annoyed, because it feels like I’m cheating myself. I was sick for a month and a half, whoopee. There’s all this schoolwork I need to catch up on. If you could see me with now, I’m jumping for joy in front of my computer screen.
See, that is how this whole comparing issue ties in. I’m annoyed with myself and then I look up and see everyone else, and then I see everything they’ve done. It’s like I’ve fallen into the Black Hole of Peer Pressure. Not only am I comparing myself to everyone else, but other people are also comparing me to everyone else.
Yes, as embarrassing as it is to say it, I am aware that I sound (and probably am) super-duper insecure. It’s a real riot.
And that, my friends, is the reason that I really do feel like such a damn failure.
I just want to know what it is that I’m doing wrong here.
sorry if this doesn't make sense. when I write at 3 in the morning, my mind wanders, and it's so dark that I can't see where it went....
Current Music: Fall For You ~Secondhand Serenade