I won't lie.

I'm upset.

I never thought things like this would bother me, especially since it's only one part of my life. They shouldn't bother me because they'd never bothered me in the past. Or maybe things were just simpler before. Regardless of why it didn't matter, it matters now.

Last night was Winter Ball. For the most part, I had a good time. But I had a better time last year. I had a great time last year, in fact.

Maybe I'm being selfish and bitchy just complaining about this, but I really need to vent.

In order to get where I'm coming from, I need to give a little backstory.

First of all, I'm friends with a couple of guys (no, this isn't a guy problem; it's a "friends" problem), who I'd been pretty close to up until a few months ago. Out of the two, there's one who's like a brother to me. The other one, I'm not as close with, but we were good friends. Or so I thought.

My surrogate brother's real brother is good friends with this other girl. (Yes, I'm aware this almost sounds like a catfight, but rest assured, it's more of a me-against-the-world thing.) He's a year older than me, so he went off to college this year, and guess who she started hanging out with? Mmhmm. I don't know how it happened, but over the last couple months, they've gotten super close - which I honestly don't have a problem with - but they just sorta left me behind.

I don't know... maybe I let them drift away?... but I remember up until maybe October we'd been same old, same old. Everything seemed fine over the summer. We were laughing, hanging out, having fun. And then it was like I just wasn't good enough for them anymore. Which is ironic, because those two guys aren't exactly the epitome of "cool" anyways.

Seriously, I just want to know what I ever did to make that happen. Did I do something or say something? So far as I know I've been the same as I have been. I never tried to comform, and everyone seemed fine with that.

My brother-friend (guess I'll just call him X and the other Y) still makes the effort to talk to me, but mostly only if the other guy's not around. I guess I'm supposed to be appreciative that he talks to me, but really, it's just kind of insulting. X is the kind of person who will friend the loner on Facebook because he feels bad for him. I know this because he's done it before. He freaking told me about it himself.

Y has just makes fun of me. He always teases, and it used to be good-natured, but it's turned into the mean kind of teasing. You know, the kind that sounds like they're just playing but you know they're making fun of you because they don't like you.

I'm pretty sure they talk about me behind my back - about what, I don't know, because according to them, I don't have a life. I don't know what their new friend (I'll stick with the lettering system and call her Z) has to do with it, if she has anything to do with it, but I do know that Y and Z do talk about me when I'm not around. I honestly have no idea why they do. I'm not particularly interesting, and I thought that I'd always been nice to them. I can't think of any time where I purposely was mean or rude of whatever.

Yet, I've seen them laughing at me from far away, because wearing a pair of contacts can do wonders. It almost makes me wish I weren't wearing them, so maybe I wouldn't know about it. You know what they say about ignorance being bliss.

Anyways, the day before, during free period, I was talking to X's older brother. They all came over and started talking to him, and then right in front of me, they decided that they all were going to Jamba Juice as a group and just walked off. Like, hello? I'm standing right beside you, and you don't even have the decency to ask if I wanted to go too?

I guess what bothers me is that three months ago, when the weather was still nice, I brought back smoothies for people who weren't able to leave campus and I didn't even ask them to pay me back. The week before this, I went shopping during free period and I asked if they wanted to come because I didn't want to leave them out. It's not feeling like they owe me something - I don't feel that; it's that I've been reaching out to them again and again, and I get it thrown back in my face. I'm not asking for much, just common courtesy.

So anyways, last night was the final straw. Y ambled over after one of the dances and said the DJ told him that I was dancing like a dork. I don't know if what he said was true because if it was, wow, double wammy, and I really should have been expecting that, since I am being talked up behind my back. For some reason, Y seems to have a tremendous influence over people. I don't know what he meant by telling me that. I don't know what the DJ meant by that; perhaps it was just an amused observation and was harmless. I tried to explain to him that I'd never done that dance before, and my shoes were making my feet hurt. He just started laughing because I was barefoot and went go tell his friends. Well, sorry for taking my shoes off because my feet were dying in those heels!

I didn't talk to them much last night because it was just pointless.

At the end, they all decided to go up to take a group shot up at the photo booth with the photographer. I didn't expect at all that they'd ask me to join, but what hurts is that they just don't... I don't know, seem to care. They were one of the last groups to have their pictures take, and since I'm a senior who was supposed to help clean up in the gym, I was called up to help wipe down tables. I could hear a couple people in particular up there snickering, but I didn't really mind that much; I was just glad to have something to do.

They made plans after, to go see a movie or something after, and one sweet girl who's in the group asked me if I was going. She's one of the only ones in that group who I actually feel genuinely likes me. Or at least, if she doesn't, she's damn good at faking it. I said no, of course, since I'd made other plans with a couple other friends to sleep over at their place, but they'd never told me about it, and truthfully, I don't know if I would have wanted to go.

Those people used to come over and talk to me on their own, now, if I don't go up to them and say hello, and even then, they'll act like I'm not really there. They pretty much won't give me the time of day unless I'm the only one around. I don't get it.

Oh, well...

I guess I can't expect much from a clique. One of my third grade teachers berated me once for having cliques, saying me (and a friend) were too old for them. Ever since then, I've tried to include people in things. I can't tell whether I've succeeded or not, but when there are other people who engage in cliques now, like ten years later...

What kind of kills me is that I can't do anything about it. Maybe it's just all one big misunderstanding, but I don't want to ask them about it because.....................

I know they'll never read this, so I can say it: thanks for making my senior year not as great as it could have been. Go do something very anatomically impossible to yourself. Once summer's here, I'm gone, which is probably just what you want, and that's fine with me. I don't want to be somewhere I'm not wanted.

Welcome to the real world, I guess.

Hullo world!

There's not much to say right now, other than I'm finally a sen10r, but I'm sick (again) in bed, and..... I've finally finished working on the WillxAnna icon/banner/wally set that I started about a month ago.

It was inspired by the Boys Like Girls song Hero/Heroine, when I was listening to their old album in preparation for LoveDrunk.. The color scheme is the colors that come to mind when I hear that song, which I first heard in the summer between my freshman and sophomore year. (Oh! The memories!)

Anyways. Enough rambling.

( under the cut )

Ever feel like a failure?

Does anyone else hate being compared to other people? In this day in age, everything is determined by where you stand among your peers.

It sucks. Really, it does.


I mean, really, what determines success and failure? Who in this world determines it, and does it really matter in the long run?

Two thousand years ago, the kings and nobility spent so much time, effort, and money trying to secure their place in history. All men and women want to be known and celebrated.

Examples? Gladly! Julius Ceaser. William the Conqueror. Shi Huang Ti. Alexander the Great. Cleopatra. Herod.

Can I quote Ed Harris? "Man only has one lifetime, but history can remember you forever."

Some of the things they did to ensure their remembrance were ridiculous. We laugh at them, sometimes, now. In our modern, technological world.

“Need to be remembered, bullshit,” they scoff now, “They’re dead.”

When it comes down to it… Does it really matter what we do here on earth?

All of humanity has this need to compare and be compared, in order to stand out and be recognized. A chance to do something great, of value and worth.

Saying that I don’t need or want to stand out would only prove the point, unfortunately.

So what’s my point?

I’m so sick of being compared to people. Being compared to friends and family, being told just what you aren’t able to do and oh, how someone else can do it – and so much better than you ever could… Well, thanks for being so encouraging.

I’ve only lived seventeen short years, but these past couple years seem to have been the worst. Friends, family, siblings, friends’ parents — in short: everyone. They compare you to whoever is standing next to you.

* Some of the following examples are a little exaggerated.

“What did you get on the physics SAT2?”

“Jane Doe is taking three AP classes, coaches Little League softball, and still has time to serve as editor of the school paper. Why can’t you be more like that?”

“He got into MIT. I heard you got rejected from Irvine.”

“That’s what you got on your SAT1? You should have taken an SAT study course like I did. What’s that? Oh, you did take one? Maybe you should take it again?”

“You’re not driving yet? How come? Everyone else is.”

Hello, Dumbo. We’re all different people. We run at different paces. Some people aren’t gifted in ten thousand different academic subjects like Suzy-across-the-street. Maybe I am only strong in one area, and what I consider strong, others consider just average.

We’re all different, so what is the point of comparing a box to a ball? Or a heart to a star, eh? How about an elephant to a giraffe? Or, let’s go extreme: a mouse and a rat. They’re both rodents, small, and with long, skinny tails. They sound pretty alike. Bet they both like cheese too.

I hate to break it to you, but rats aren’t supposed to eat cheese. Sorry, Remi...

I’m tired of trying to stand out and be different. Is it so hard to accept that I’ll never be who you want me to be, no matter how much you want me to be? Nor will I ever be like Jane Doe or Joe Blow or Billy-down-the-block. I have my own problems, my own strengths and weaknesses, and my own struggles.

There are so many things that I can’t do in this world. I am quite aware, thank you, that I’m not Superwoman and no, I don’t look like Megan Fox, and last time I checked my IQ, I certainly don’t have the mind of Einstein.

Not only that, but I am so aware what my faults are. Yes, I know I’m lazy and grumpy and selfish and unmotivated and too prideful for my own good. No one is more aware of all those faults than I am. Rub it in, will ya?

I’m trying, I truly am. Do you know how hard it is to try to fix something when someone is constantly hovering over your shoulder yelling that you still haven’t fixed it yet?

The West wasn’t won in a day. The Roman Empire literally took centuries to build. It took years to finish the Great Pyramid and the Great Wall of China. The Declaration of Independence was rewritten numerous times before we knew the famous words, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, and all men are created equal…”.

I’m slow by nature, and I’m only human. I’m not trying to use it as an excuse, but it is a valid reason.

I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I see what everyone else can do and then I look at myself.

Compared to them… What is left for me, anyways? Is there even any point in me applying myself and studying my butt off if my best is compared to everyone else’s best (which totally and completely surpasses my own by a few bazillion points)?

I guess that’s what bothers me the most. I feel like this, so in my head, I think that it’s alright to slack off. It’s that “If I won’t succeed, then why even try?” mentality, I think.

I don’t know, it’s not even that I like to wallow around in self pity, looking for affirmation from people, or wallow in self pity at all. I tend to rant (such as what you are reading now), lock myself in my room, and write.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I was thinking back over this past year, and I realized that I accomplished almost nothing. It was the most unproductive year I’ve ever had. Yes, there was Godspell and the yearbook and I built so many amazing relationships this year…

But have I even changed as a person, at all for the better? I know that I’m not the same person that I was a year ago. But have I grown?

Academically, I really don’t have anything to be proud of. It makes me wonder if I am actually learning anything; is my brain even absorbing any new information? Will it retain anything at all, three or four years from now?

I went to a psychologist for the better part of this school year because she said I had an adjustment disorder. But I don’t even know if there was a visible change. Is it three hundred dollars a month gone down the drain for nothing? I feel like there are two sides of me. One side is the side everyone sees, and the other side is hiding in the back of my brain, that little maggoty side in my brain.

It’s times like this when I wish I had a time machine or could see into the future. If I continue on like this, what will I be looking at in twenty years?

I’m annoyed, because it feels like I’m cheating myself. I was sick for a month and a half, whoopee. There’s all this schoolwork I need to catch up on. If you could see me with now, I’m jumping for joy in front of my computer screen.

See, that is how this whole comparing issue ties in. I’m annoyed with myself and then I look up and see everyone else, and then I see everything they’ve done. It’s like I’ve fallen into the Black Hole of Peer Pressure. Not only am I comparing myself to everyone else, but other people are also comparing me to everyone else.

Yes, as embarrassing as it is to say it, I am aware that I sound (and probably am) super-duper insecure. It’s a real riot.

And that, my friends, is the reason that I really do feel like such a damn failure.

I just want to know what it is that I’m doing wrong here.


sorry if this doesn't make sense. when I write at 3 in the morning, my mind wanders, and it's so dark that I can't see where it went....

Two posts in one month, wow!

So anyways, I was writing out my summer schedule and here's what I came up with. Doesn't look like much at all on paper (or virtual paper), but it sure is, I suppose...

I was about to f-lock this when I realized that probably nobody visits this journal except for if I post fanfiction or icons. Both of which have not been posted in quite a while. So tally ho! :P

~June 20, Single Mom's Oil Change

~June 22-28, College road trip down to SoCal and visit the fam.

~July 9-12, Disneyland trip? With friends. Not sure if that's going to be able to happen, but I really want it to.

~July 26-August 2, Mexicali!

~August 8/9, Disneyland with Moe.? Not sure if that will get to happen either. Dadgum CSSSA and their rules about curfew.

and somewhere in there, I'm trying to fit a beach trip, a Raging Waters trip, and a bunch of other hangs with coolkidswhoarelove.

Plus Driver's Ed (oh, I'm such a procrastinator- it's lovely. I should have had this done in sophomore year, but no. I wait until the summer before I'm a senior. yeah, baby.)

AND French. 

AND SAT prep. which is physics/english lit/writing/math and a bunch of other stuff I suck at. FUN.

Then, there's the videogames that I absolutely must squeeze in, the anime marathons, the unfinished stories, and pretty much everything else that's piled up in my life.

Good thing I don't have a boyfriend on top of everything else.

yep. this is going to be a kickass summer. I really do love my life.

<3 Aeralyse

Maybe it's just the end of the year... but times are changing.

Mood is contemplative and nostalgia hits.... Makes for a little musing...

__________

I both hate and love how life is.

There are those special times in your life when you're happy. You know them: small, fleeting moments or long days that you wish would never, ever end.

I love those. Those are the times that you look back on and smile.

It reminds me of a well known saying that goes like: "Let the good times roll."

However, I've always thought that there was a missing phrase in that quote. What comes after that, when the good times come to an end? Change?

See, I've never really been one for change. In fact, I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder earlier this year, in October. Yes, there really is such a disorder...

But I have learned, over the course of my life (my meager seventeen years), that a lot of times, changes bring good things.

When you later reflect on what's changed in your life, you can hardly imagine how things were before. Hopefully.

Changes, no matter how much we wish they wouldn't come, are inevitable and they move us forward.

It's just.. always hard to say goodbye.

And saying goodbye is what I hate the most.
__________________________

Flames to dust... Lovers to friends...
Why do all good things come to an end?
~All Good Things, by Nelly Furtado

After two years in the FMA fandom, I am pleased to announce that........

Your dearest Aeralyse is finally caught up on all things Full Metal Alchemist! 

I spent this past weekend relaxing after my school performance of Godspell by catching up on the manga (about thirty chapters' worth) and finally, finally starting the new 2009 anime. All caught up on the first eight episodes, and I am highly anticipating the release of Funi's dubbed version. I know that their dub projects are always kept on the down low, and it probably won't come out for another year, but I'm pretty stoked that most of the original voice actors will be returning. Call me stupid, but Edward Elric is not Edward Elric unless Vic Mignogna is doing his voice. Paku Romi is good, but I love the fact that a man is actually doing Ed's English voice. LOL

Speaking of the anime, my favorite moment in the new series is in (was it?) Episode 5. It was when Ed and Al were in Tucker's library and Nina came along wanting to play because her father, the abominable Shou, was too busy studying. Edward had a flashback to when he and Al were peeking into Hohenheim's study back in Resembool when they were younger, and then he threw down his book and went outside to play with them. It just made me go "awww", and then the EdWin fangirl in me started brainstorming for a new Ed/Winry fanfiction piece.

And I'm all caught up on the manga now, so I actually know what's going on, and WOW. I am so excited for next month's chapter. Everything is getting so close now; I could care less (not reall) about the coup in Central as long as I get to see Ed and Winry get together. Chapter 84, I believe it was, was so amazing. :P

In other FMA news, one of my fellow anime/manga freak friends got to go to the Fanime in San Jose, this past weekend! I couldn't go, since I had Godspell, but she promised to get me some Hagaren merchandise, something I am desperately short on. Since, well, I don't really have any FMA merchandise at all, besides the manga books, but those don't really count. Yes, I'm just that broke. Plus, one of my dreams is to go to Comic Con, and I have to save for THAT. lol.

Anyways, while Annie was at Fanime, I was at the TOSPS performing the musical Godspell. It was amazing! And if you've ever done anything theater-related, you know that the week before a performance is jam-packed with rehearsals, last minute changes, stress, and just overall busyness. You hardly spend any time at home because your become consumed with the production. But that, in my opinion, is what makes it all worth it by the end.

So mostly, that's how my week went. I spent a wonderful Memorial Day simply doing nothing, except now that almost everything I was doing this year has started coming to an end, I think I'm going through withdrawals because my brain thinks I have nothing else to consume my time with. Hahaha...

Haiyaku, FMA, for another chapter and episode, so I have something to give my life to! :P Because I'm just that pathetic.

Love, Aeralyse. <3

 This is the first time I've ever used a customized layout (with a header!!). :) I had to pick a simple one, in order to figure out how to actually follow the instructions correctly. I think it's very pretty, even though it is simple, and the blue is refreshing. It reminds me of spring. Or something. I don't know.

This layout was made for S2 Flexible Squares by presents over at refuted and it's called "Smooth". There's also a light green version of this one.

I did, however, make the header myself. Brushes are credited to the website Aethereality. Quickie thing, doesn't look as good as others', made in a pinch because I was eager to get a header up there. *sighs at own stupidity* Well, yeah. Basically, that's it. I think the whole thing doesn't look bad at all. ^_^

... all EdWin, of course. -grin- 

Title: Substitute
Rating: K
Summary: Edward comes to terms with substitutes.
A/N: Post-CoS, I suppose. So, it's not all cotton candy. I don't know why I write animeverse when I like the mangaverse so much better, but there's irony for you. FMA belongs to Hiromu Arakawa and all those lucky little people at Funimation and Square Enix and all that.

Title: Color
Rating: K
Summary: Winry contemplates the color of Ed's clothing.
A/N: The colouring scheme in CoS bugged me, so I had to satisfy the inner-EdWin craving and write some sort of semi-decent explanation. Psh, and what are the chances of me owning FMA? 

Title: Idiosyncrasies of a Marriage
Rating: T (Reference to drunk sex, I guess)
Summary: Winry reflects on her impending marriage to the famous Fullmetal Alchemist.
A/N: One of those 2 AM projects, along with that oh-so-famous cursory edit. Please pardon any mistakes or OCCness. And I'll leave out the disclaimer because you already know what I'm gonna say.

Read them all here, at ed_winry. 

 Hey!

It's definitely been awhile since I've posted here, eh? ANYWAY, I come bearing a few Brawl icons for your enjoyment (or amusement, whichever you prefer). This set includes Sheik, Sonic, Mario, Princess Peach, Pit, Meta Knight, and Marth (plus one variation).

Feedback is appreciated!  

Teasers:
 

( Under the cut... )

Whoa, okay, have I not posted on my LJ in like, months? Because I've been a buttload busy, know what I mean? And May is going to be hecka stressful. I've been writing essay after essay. People say sophmore year is when you write a lot of persuasive essays. Sigh.
Anyway, I don't feel like complaining because I have homework that's due tomorrow (I know, I'm homeschooled and I have homework. It's because I'm such a procrastinator). So I'll just leave you with drabbles. I wrote them the other day as a writing exercise and a cheer-upper after watching Titanic for the first time. That movie is so sad, I just cried my eyes out. ;)

Title: Unconventional 
Pairing: LinkxZelda
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, thus do not own Legend of Zelda. Nifty, huh? (Yeah, right.)
Summary: Five 100-word ZeLink drabbles all loosely based around the theme of Link’s heroics, traditional or not.
Author's Note: This was a writing exercise I did to get my brainstorming juices working in the "present tense" style. I was aiming for conciseness- about one hundred words per each. Constructive criticism is welcome. 

( Drabble Thee, Shining Knight )

 

Just thought we'd say a huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY to our dearest, Carmen, aka Sarah.

*giant hugs*   

 

Changed the layout. This one's kind of pretty, no? I know I only had the pink one for a few days, but tonight I was really tired, logged onto LJ and was like, "Whoah, okay, pink hurts eyes. Need to change it". (Coming from your dearest pink cheetah? O_o Yeah, I know!) XD Mucha love!

Hey, guys.
I thought I'd post a AWE fanfic I wrote for a writing assignment last Friday. My teacher hasn't given the assignment back yet, as I'll hopefully be getting it back this Friday and making some corrections and revisions.

Have no idea where the angst came from, especially as I gravitate towards happy and edge away from angst. I blame PMS. haha..

This is definitely a oneshot drabble. Please, feel free to comment and give constructive criticism. I'm not particularly happy with it, as I wrote it at the last minute, but hey. Whatever works, yeah?
________________________

Title: Unchanging

Summary: WillaBeth. Destiny and what part it played in the Will/Elizabeth relationship.

Rating: N/A. Anyone who has seen Pirates 3 can read this.

Spoilers: concerning the end of the movie  *sob*

Disclaimer: I don’t own POTC. Well, a couple of shirts, but that's it. And I just had to edit out my nice disclaimer because I just ran in to the nicest W/B fansite. Which just upped the WillaBeth in my blood SIGNIFICANTLY.

Have not cross-posted this anywhere else yet.

( Read it... )

Changed the layout. Got tired of the old one.. and this pretty one was on the "featured" page. I think I'll change the colors to blue, though.

So I thought I would finally post something new yesterday in celebration of finding Sarah on LJ. XD Unfortunately, me mum caught me on here when I was supposed to be finishing math homework.

So I was going to post an Ed/Winry postmovie oneshot just because Ed and Winry are more subtle in there than in the VERY CANON MANGA (are you listening, Chalice? XD). If you haven't seen the movie... this will more likely than not spoil it for you, unless (if you're like me) you tend to go for spoilers before you've seen whatever you go to see. Haha.

So let's do this. Drop me any comments, if you like. I'd really appreciate it. I recieved some good con-cric on FF.net and thought I'd post it here for kicks.
________________________

Title: Meant To Know

Summary: As the perceptive Elric, Al's always known there was something Edward never seemed to catch when he was (or wasn't) around Winry. As a matter of fact, neither did she.. And Al's missed too many chances letting him know.

Rating: G, I'm fairly sure. It's from Al'sP POV, so there shouldn't be any swearing. XD

Spoilers: concerning the end of the anime and the movie...  (*cough* the manga is so much better)

Disclaimer: I don’t own FMA. That would be Hiromu Arakawa, who better not mess up the EdxWinry ship. XD I did, however, come up with this idea, so do AL a favor and don't steal it. Please... it's the thought that counts. ;)

Crossposted on fanfiction.net

( Read it... )